Back and Forth
by subtlemovements
Summary: There's two people in a relationship. Two sides to every story. It's only on a train that two people truly realised it had all been an unfortunate mistake that what they had ended.
1. Chapter 1

**December 15th**** 2014**

It only takes a few seconds for someone to realise they were wrong. Sometimes it can takes weeks, months, years but then there are times when it just clicks and everything you did seems some utterly stupid and you want to make it right but you don't know how or if you even should.

"Just leave."

Sian looked up and the words hit her so hard. "What?"

This was one of those moments. She wanted to reply 'nothing' she wanted so desperately to convince herself that Sian leaving was a last resort and they were definitely not on their last string. She stared at the blonde, she was waiting for a reply but Sophie was waiting for an answer. She swallowed the lump in her throat and bit her lip. "I said leave."

She didn't need telling twice. In the years they had been together it had both come to their attention that the worst part of their days was saying goodbye but here Sophie stood telling her a permanent goodbye. How and why, Sian couldn't understand. Arguments were a dime a dozen but there was always a happy enough ending, they were a couple after all and nothing was perfect but why didn't this have that happy ending? "Why?"

She didn't know: that was her true answer. _Say you're sorry, tell her you were joking, and stop her_, why couldn't she do anything she told herself? "I want time alone," She replied croakily and for the most part it was true. She didn't say anything and hoped that Sian would fight to stay, argue and shout and cry to stay because that's what Sophie really needed to hear, she needed to hear Sian say she needed her but she didn't. Sian nodded, wiped a stray tear and walked past the brunette.

"Where are you going?" Sophie asked, surprised, wide eyed and desperate.

"To pack."

Sophie hadn't realised she'd been crying until she heard herself sob. She couldn't watch her leave, she couldn't. She headed for the bedroom; she needed to say she was sorry. She stopped though. She just stood in front of the closed door. They were thousands of miles apart it seemed. A sorry wouldn't mend this; neither were convinced the other even wanted to mend this. It was another half hour before the door swung open but Sophie had remained in front of the door. Sian looked up, surprised to see her and wiped away tears with her free hand, the other clutching at a filled bag. Her eyes and face were red from the tears and she stood with a broken heart, holding onto what little remained in her life and it wasn't a lot. They said nothing to each other, there wasn't much to say. Sian looked back down to the floor and began to walk towards the door of their apartment, of Sophie's apartment.

"Sian-"

She turned around, "I just want you to know that I don't want to leave but I'm not going to beg for forgiveness when I don't know what I did, and I'm not going to get into an argument with you because I don't want to." She dug into her pocket and placed the key on the kitchen counter. "I am sorry for whatever I did to make this happen. I know you lost your trust in me but you know I tried hard. I tried so hard," and she gave a broken smile and then opened the door. "Bye," was all she managed.

Sophie stood in the apartment and for the first time in years she felt alone. She didn't want to move, she wanted to stand in front of the door and wait for Sian to come back, for them to embrace. It didn't happen, it wasn't going to.

**December 15th**** 2015**

She woke up with a start, the loud alarm radio blasting news of snow and ice and yet she couldn't bring herself to care. She cursed herself; she had meant to change radio stations the alarm. She lay back down at stared at the ceiling and listened none the less.

"There's heavy snow outside if any of you are totally oblivious to the outside world like I'm sure many of you are! Tucked up in bed all cosy while I have to report to you the obvious! Be extra careful when you go out, it's expected to get much word in the following days. Buses are cancelled and most roads are blocked or severely delayed. I suggest a day off personally; go play in the snow all you big kids!"

She hid the off button; there was only so much she could take. She lifted the duvet from on top of her and quickly padded into the bathroom, the cold tiles making her squeal. The reflection she saw of herself was tired and overworked. She sighed and ran a hand through her hair. Food, that's what she needed before work. The fridge was bare but it had enough for an omelette and she smiled to herself, she remembered learning how to cook them but before she could delve into the memory she stopped herself. The calendar that hung from the fridge told her it was the 15th of December and for the first time in a few months she didn't much feel like eating. A noise started to come from somewhere, music she recognised.

"My fucking phone," She muttered before running into her room and taking it from its charger. "Hello?"

"Sophie, it's Sarah, just calling to let you know work is cancelled today. Not much point even trying to get in with this snow."

Sophie smiled, "Oh that's great!"

"I know right?"

"Guess I'll go back to bed, ay?"

"Thinkin' the same, see you later."

With that she put the phone back on her bedside table. She didn't know quite what to do with the day and while she had work to finish she knew a snow day, no matter what age, was not for work. She stalked back into the kitchen, realising she didn't really have much a life outside of work. Her eyes played over the apartment: TV, no; a board game? Alone, definitely not; laptop, too boring; a book, why not. She padded over to the small collection of books she held and scanned over them, she hadn't read a single book from the shelf nor even taken the time to look them over, they'd never really been hers. She was bored by looking at the spines of them, how was she going to read the actual content? She got back up and sighed, looking out the window and saw the white snow continue to fall to the blanket that covered the streets.

"I'll call Rosie," She said to herself, out loud, before going back to her bedroom and taking her phone back off the table. _Don't pretend you have something to do by not answering on the first ring._

"Hello?"

"Rosie! Wondering if you wanted to do anything today?"

There was snort on the other line, "Have you looked outside?"

"Awh come on. Work got cancelled and I have nothing to do!"

"And what exactly do you propose we do?"

Sophie shrugged then realised Rosie couldn't see. "I dunno… We could go for a drink and catch up?"

"No thanks babe," Rosie laughed. "I'd rather just have a lie in."

Sophie groaned, "Awh come on Rosie!"

"Nah you're alright." There was a long pause. "Why don't you go somewhere?"

"Where?"

Rosie paced round the room of her apartment and yawned. "I dunno Sophie. Somewhere nice, you've got money and time. Somewhere close though, a train ride away, don't be goin' to Spain without me."

"I only have today off Rosie."

"Look outside Sophie, it's gonna be like this for a while."

Sophie gave a 'hmm' of agreement, pulling the curtains aside to see the snow once again. "But won't trains been cancelled?"

"Nah, radio didn't say they were. They usually run anyway."

She didn't understand why she was contemplating the idea, she usually ignored Rosie. "Where?"

"Oh I dunno Sophie, you're a big girl now! Go anywhere. I'm going to bed and I'll speak to you from Amsterdam or Italy or Paris or wherever you go later."

Sophie put the phone back down and looked around the apartment, she wouldn't mind going somewhere nice, she hadn't been anywhere for years. In fact, the last place she went was Italy with… She stopped and sighed. She didn't know what to do with herself anymore.

**December 16th**** 2015**

_Took your advice, booked tickets to Paris by train, I'll ring you once I'm there (with the snow, I wonder if I'll ever get there and why I'm even doing this!)I've told mum and dad, they said I have to be back before Christmas or they'll kill you for suggesting it, so wish me luck xx_

She put her phone away and dragged her small suitcase through the train station. She watched people walking passed, happy to be home. She wondered how long they had been trapped for and longed to be in the same position they had been. She wanted to get stuck somewhere, stuck for so long it became her home. She wanted a change, she wanted something new, she wanted an adventure. As she stepped into the train, someone sighed.

"Hmm?" She turned and saw one of the workers and raised an eyebrow. "Did ya say something?"

He shook his head, "I can't believe people are actually trying to travel in this."

Sophie shrugged. "If they offer the chance the leave, wouldn't you take it too?"

"Nah, snow here is the same snow as the snow in Paris."

"But Paris is Paris."

"Good point, but home is home."

She said nothing as he walked back towards the ticket stand and only turned away once she heard the final calls for the train. She pulled her bag on and looked around, the carriage was completely empty save for a woman and her child sitting right at the far end. She wondered if it was just her and this woman and child on the entire train, if they were all looking for an escape. She placed her bag in one of the holders before taking a seat at a tabled section. Despite the entire carriage being virtually empty, she still felt rude placing her handbag on the seat beside her, worried it'd give the message that she didn't want anyone beside her so she put the bag opposite it her but not before pulling out her iPod and a notepad. A voice overhead brought her attention away from both these items.

"Expect long delays. Estimated time of arrival: 01:30AM. Time now: 14:00PM. Enjoy your journey with Eurostar."

"11 ½ hours? Fucking hell," She mumbled to herself. "11 ½ hours."


	2. Chapter 2

**I recommend you pay close attention to the dates! Just in case you get confused, because this story has _a lot _of changing dates!  
2015 – Present (Sophie is 21 and Sian 22)**

**

* * *

**

**December 16****th**** 2015, 3:30**

Her notepad had various doodles in it but the main portion of it was actual writing, for the most part anyway, Sophie had found a lot of it to be illegible looking back, more like scrawls and lines than writing. Still, it was for her to read anyway. It was, essentially, a diary. It didn't matter if she couldn't understand what she wrote for certain dates because surely if it meant that much she would remember just by saying the month, the year, the day. The only reason it wasn't a dairy in the most basic sense was because she only wrote in it when she truly felt like it. It wasn't a day to day account; it was what she felt and how she felt on certain days. She looked back and saw one of the pages; it talked of when she heard her mum had cancer, another talked about when she found out about her dads affair, a couple pages later accounted for the day she broke her arm. It wasn't all bad though and several times, as she glanced through past pages, she'd see a particular name but she'd never check the date or what had happened to mention that particular person, but out of the 100 or so pages that mentioned her name with pure happiness, there were pages that would tell of a completely different person but with the same name and the same face but it wasn't the person she knew.

She lay her head back and closed her eyes, she didn't much feel like writing.

**Journal entry: March 1****st**** 2012**

What's the point in telling someone something if they don't listen? Why does it seem that every time I try to talk to her it's some kind of effort for her to actually stop and listen to me? I want to grab her by the shoulders and force her to face me, to look at me and I want her to listen to me and realise that there's something wrong.

**December 16****th**** 2015, 5:00**

She opened her eyes and realised she had fallen asleep. Out of habit, she quickly checked her bag and saw that everything was still in place, even her iPod remained on the table. She stretched her arms in front of her and yawned. The sight outside was beautiful but there wasn't much time to look as the every changing scenery moved too fast for her to really focus. She hoisted herself up from her seat and looked over to see that both the woman and her son were asleep. She wondered if she should try to sleep some more, it did seem to pass the time much quicker. She picked her phone up and saw two unread text messages.

_**Rosie:**__ Have fun Soph, please be bak before Xmas,wouldn't be the same without you xoxo_

_**Mum:**__ Be careful Sophie, don't do anything stupid, stay out of trouble and have a nice time, see you when you get back (though I expect a phone call every night please), love mum x_

She was amazed by how little contact she had with anyone else other than her family. She actually had no one to tell other than them that she was going anywhere. She sighed and pulled a magazine from her bag, scanning over pictures rather than articles but it took 10 minutes before she realised she wasn't looking at anything in particular. So much for an adventure. Her hands strummed on the table as she looked out the window. The adventure had to begin soon. There was only so much you could take in an empty carriage. She got up and decided to see if one of the others had any more people and stalked off into the first one connected. There were a few more people but it was no more lively, in fact, one person had a coat completely covering their head as rested half upon one of the tables. A person sitting right near the entrance to the carriage looked up but looked back down, seeing no thrill in Sophie. She scowled at them and pressed onwards only to find that the next carriage was in fact a bar. Her eyes lit up and she headed over, glancing around and seeing a few chatting people around. This was more like it.

"Red wine please."

"Do you have any ID?"

She didn't know whether to be flattered are rather pained by this. "Uhm, yes, I'll just go get it." She huffed as she walked back to her carriage and, when passing through the second carriage, she knocked into someone.

"Oh sorry!"

The person seemed to have little care and kept their head down, only pulling their coat off their head as they walked away.

"Fucking rude or what," Sophie muttered to herself as she watched the blonde girl walk towards the bar carriage.

She returned to her own carriage and noticed that the mother and child were no awake and seemed to be playing some sort of board game at the table they sat at. Sophie smiled at this before sitting back down at her own, she no longer felt like a drink really, it was more the thrill of the idea of a bar on a train than the thrill of being able to drink that had prompted her to ask for wine. Sleep. Sleep and then drink and then eat. She got up once again and headed to her packed bag and rummaged for a while until she pulled out a blanket and a blow up pillow that Rosie had reminded her to pack. _Guess she's good for something_. She began to blow it up as she headed back to her own seat and once she was comfy she felt sleep creep upon her.

**Journal entry: July 17****th**** 2013**

I don't really have much to say. Italy is lovely, it's pretty, much prettier than I had imagined it to be. Sian had told me it would be nice but you know when you look at something in a book or on TV and it just looks so much nicer than when you actually go, well I thought that would happen. Turns out, it's exactly how it's shown! It's nice being away from everyone and everything, just me and Sian and Italy. We went to a lake yesterday; turns out we're both a little useless at swimming, good thing we weren't doing much swimming though.

**December 16****th**** 2015, 6:00**

"Dear, wake up," The woman lingered beside Sophie for a few seconds before nudging her once again. "Dear?"

Sophie flinched at the contact before sitting upright, surprised and a little scared by being woken up by a stranger, what was worse was the fact she could barely see the person beside her. "W-what's happened?"

"The train broke down, powers off. I just thought you'd want to know."

Sophie nodded and looked around, "Thanks. How long has it been down, do ya know?"

The woman looked back to her son, checking he was still asleep. "About 10 minutes. I don't know if-"

"Ah, there are people in the last carriage!" A man's voice bellowed as he walked towards Sophie and the woman, his torch shining at them. "As you've probably noticed the powers down. All facilities are still open and it may be an idea to join others in more full carriages, you know, if you'd find it comforting."

Sophie nodded and got up, "I think I'll do that. Not a fan of the dark really."

The woman beside her also nodded and picked her boy up, careful not to disrupt him. They both followed him through the second carriage and found that everyone had made themselves either comfortable there or at the bar. As the woman who had woken Sophie got herself comfortable at another table, Sophie continued on through. She could do with a drink now.

"Red wine please."

This time they didn't ID her, either because they couldn't see her or because even they could understand wanting a drink under these circumstances.

"Thanks," She said, taking the glass and sitting at a table where a candle had been lit. Her eyes wandered over the people who all looked either restless or quite content. She wondered if any of these people had one way tickets, if they were starting a new life. She wondered if, when she got there, she'd want to do the same. The train gave a small shake and her wine glass tipped causing her to jump her to try and avoid the spill only to cause more devastation as she knocked someone else.

"Shit! Sorry!" She turned quickly and saw the person furiously wiping down her clothes.

"It's fine," They mumbled, turning quickly towards the toilets.

Sophie followed, "Erm, do you want any help? I'm so stupid sometimes it's just the train shook and-"

"Seriously it's fine," The person said, becoming increasingly annoyed. "It doesn't matter." As she opened the toilet door, Sophie remained close behind.

"Do you want me to get you a change of clothes? I've got some."

"I'm not homeless," They muttered. "I'll just wipe it off, it's fine." They closed the door in Sophie's face but she remained outside. She didn't want to seem rude and just walk away. She leaned against the wall opposite and looked up at the ceiling, waiting for the door to open. She heard the toilet flush and, pushing herself away from the wall, she stood straight and waited. The girl walked out, patting her jeans which had been left soaked from the water and wine mixed.

"I am sorry."

"I know, you said." The girl wiped her hands on her jacket before lifting her head. It wasn't like she could see anything anyway. She walked past the girl and headed back for the bar, hoping to buy another drink without it ending up on her jeans.

"Let me buy you a drink," Sophie offered.

The girl shrugged, "Fine by me."

As they walked back, Sophie felt an odd sense of familiarity about the voice but was stopped as they reached the bar. "Erm, a red wine and…" She looked to the girl, but it was hard to see anyway.

"White wine," She said.

"And a white wine."

The woman behind the bar nodded and retrieved the drinks, handing them over to Sophie who heading back to the table she had been at before, picking up napkins from the side as she did so and wiping up the previous spill. The girl followed, feeling she had been tricked into sitting with her but none the less she sat.

Sophie placed the drink down on the table and corrected her shit as she sat down opposite and as the candlelight shone they both realised the grave mistake they had made.

"Oh," Sian muttered.

Sophie was speechless. Sian on the other hand got up from her place and looked around awkwardly, "I'll just go sit somewhere else." She left the wine and stumbled to somewhere else, knocking into things in the dark. Suddenly the light overhead lit up and the train did another jump start. Sophie watched as Sian walked away. She couldn't look away and she didn't want to, she wanted to know that this was really happening, she wanted to say something. She didn't know what but she needed to. She got up from her place and quickly followed, careful not to trip over things as Sian had. Before she knew what she was doing, her arm outstretched and she caught hold of the blonde who turned around, surprised by the contact.

"Sian…"

Sian looked bewildered, "What?"

"What… What are you doing here?"

Sian raised an eyebrow, "It's pretty obvious."

"I mean why," Sophie stuttered. "Why are you going to Paris?"

Sian scowled, "It's not exactly any of your business." She turned to walk away again but Sophie couldn't let go.

"Wait!"

"What Soph?"

"Can't we just have a drink?" She asked, hopeful.

Sian looked distressed as she looked around the train carriage. "Soph…"

"Just one."


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: **The summary of the story has changed because as I wrote it it became somewhat much different!

* * *

**Journal entry: December 14****th**** 2014**

It's one thing to lie to me but to lie to my family too is a step too far. She keeps pushing herself away from me and everyone that cares about her just to protect herself. How can I stay with someone who doesn't even know the first thing about being a girlfriend, even after four years? How can I be with someone whose favourite part of the day is leaving? She always ran away but I never thought she'd ever get lost.

**December 16****th**** 2015, 7:00**

They both sat down where they had been sitting previously but had much better view due to the lighting.

"When's the train going to start moving again?" Someone inquired to the woman behind the bar.

She shrugged, "It could be a while sir. Be thankful the powers back on!"

The man huffed and looked away, cursing the woman. Sian watched him and then turned back around, facing the table.

"Some people," She muttered.

Sophie looked up from her glass, "What?"

"Him," She said, looking back over her shoulder. "It's not like it's her fault the trains stopped."

"Oh, right, yeah," Sophie nodded.

"Everyone knew what they were letting themselves in for getting on the train in the middle of winter."

"You wanted to get stuck?"

Sian shrugged, "Maybe."

"Why?"

She didn't reply though and sipped at her drink. An awkward silence fell upon the two girls. Sophie watched the blonde as she looked anywhere but her face. She looked exactly the same, it has only been a year she reminded herself. She still had the same hair, the same blue eyes, the same face.

"How have you been?" Sophie asked.

Sian looked up at the brunette but quickly lost eye contact as she looked back to the table. "Fine. Got nothing to complain about." There was a long pause before she looked directly at Sophie, "What about you?"

"Same," She nodded. "Works a little stressing lately but I suppose that's why it's work."

"Do you still work at the primary school?" Sian inquired.

"Yeah, hopefully I'll be a full time teacher soon. What about you? Do you still work at the office?"

Sian shook her head, "No. I quit there some time ago."

"Why?" Sophie asked, surprised. In all the years they had been together Sian had said she enjoyed the job, at least enough to stay. "I thought you liked it?"

Sian raised an eyebrow, "No one _likes _working in an office Sophie."

"You said you did," Sophie mumbled, it wasn't like she had been assuming.

Sian gave a small shrug, "Yeah, I suppose I did."

The lights sparked and made an odd noise before going off again.

"For fucks sake!" The man from before shouted.

Sian turned and scowled, though he couldn't see. She turned back and squinted, trying to see Sophie in front of her. She was somewhat thankful that the lights had gone out. She pushed her hair from off her face and stood up.

"I'm gonna go."

"You didn't even finish your drink," Sophie mumbled.

Sian picked the glass up and downed the rest before turning to walk out of the carriage. "I'll see you around I suppose."

She left without waiting for a response from the brunette. Once she closed the door she looked around and saw she was alone in the carriage. She rubbed her face, she was tired and confused and she didn't know what to do. She wiped at her eyes, ridding of tears that threatened to fall before sitting down at a table. She took her phone from her pocket and scrolled through the contacts. She placed it to her ear.

"Hello?"

She smiled as the voice answered, "Hi."

"Sian!" The voice replied. "Are you in Paris already?"

"No," She laughed, "I wish. No, the trains broke down actually. Not quite sure what's going to happen now."

"I told you not to go," The voice replied sulkily.

"I'll be home soon enough, I just need to check out the place and I'll be back."

"I know, I just wish you were here instead."

Sian looked outside at the snow and nodded, "Me too."

"Can't believe you're missing Christmas with me."

"Neither can I. Why can't you come up to Paris?"

The voice laughed, "It's snowing like crazy Sian, just because you made your getaway before it hit hard doesn't mean we all can."

Sian laughed too, "I suppose not. Look, I'll ring you later okay. Love you."

"Love you too."

**Journal entry: December 27****th**** 2014**

I haven't spoken to Sian at all. I don't know where she is.

**December 16****th**** 2015, 8:00**

Sophie had been sat in the same place in complete silence. She didn't want to have to have walk through the carriage Sian was sat in to get to her own. Her phone vibrated and she squinted at the brightness of the screen amongst the bitch black room.

_**Rosie: **__Hows it goin babe? You in Paree yet? (thats me sayin paris all French like) xoxo_

_**Sophie: **__No, trains stopped and I have no idea where I am. The power's out too. X_

_**Rosie: **__oH that isnt good is it? What are you doing then? Xoxo_

_**Sophie: **__I'm just having a drink at the bar x_

_**Rosie: **__Sounds like the good life! Make some friends on the train then, any fit lads? xoxo_

_**Sophie: **__Rosie._

_**Rosie: **__Any fit girls then? Xoxo_

She sighed and propped herself up on her elbow.

_**Sophie: **__Sians on the same train as me_

Her phone began to flash and she sighed, of course she'd ring.

"Hello?"

"She's honestly there?"

Sophie nodded, "Yeah."

"Did you know? What this part of a plan?" Rosie squealed, "Ooo you are sneaky!"

"No Rosie," Sophie rolled her eyes. "It wasn't part of a plan. I just ran into her."

"Oh this is so romantic!"

"Rosie," She warned.

"What? It is! Young lovers, brought together on Christmas day in Paris."

"It's not Christmas day and we're not in Paris."

"Still young lovers though," She smiled. "Is she there anyway?"

Sophie looked around, hoping by some small chance she was. "No. She left."

"But she _was _there?"

"Yeah, we had a drink and talked a bit."

"How much is a bit?" Rosie asked, giddy with excitement.

"Not much at all."

"Oh, that's no good. Go speak to her."

"I'd rather not Rosie," Sophie muttered.

"Right so, you're stuck on a train on your own in the freezing weather, not to mention drinking alone, but then the girl who you love is also in the same predicament but you'd much rather carry on being alone?"

Sophie opened her mouth to reply but didn't.

"Just go talk to her for God's sake, even if it's just to catch up. I'm off anyway, me and Nathan are going to watch The Grinch! Later Soph and go talk to Sian."

"Bye."

She got up and put her hand on the carriage door and paused momentarily before pulling it open.

**Journal entry: December 29****th**** 2014**

She's gone. She's gone and no one knows where she is and I can't contact her and I can't say I'm sorry but I need to. I need to fix this.


	4. Chapter 4

**There is a change of date in this chapter that is VERY similar to the present date! I've highlightd just so it doesn't go unmissed and people think it's still in the present!**

* * *

**December 16****th**** 2015, 8:30**

She stopped and stared, she saw the blonde sitting at the far end with her head down. She tried to make as little noise as possible as she made her way over but Sian noticed.

"Oh, it's you," She said. "Thought it was someone like, ready to murder me."

Sophie cracked a smile and shook her head, "No, just me."

Sian nodded and continued to look at her, waiting for her to explain why she was just standing there.

"Uhm.. I just…"

She waited.

"I mean, we're on this massive train and it's cold and there isn't much to do and I've been sitting alone for a while so you know, I just thought maybe we could sit together because we know each other and I'd rather sit with someone I know than in the dark on my own." She barely breathed once and let out a gasp as she reached the end.

Sian frowned, "Sophie…"

"Sian?"

She rolled her eyes and shook her head, "Fine."

Sophie sat down opposite her and gave a small smile to which she didn't return. "So where do you work then?"

"I'm a chef at a restaurant."

Sophie looked surprised, "Really?"

"Yeah," Sian nodded.

"Since when?"

"I don't know, a few months now."

"I didn't know you liked to cook," Sophie frowned.

They sat in silence for a while before Sophie perked back up, "Though you did teach me how to make an omelette once."

Sian gave a small smile, "Yeah, I remember."

"But since when did you actually, you know, cook for a living?"

"I don't know," She shrugged, "When there wasn't much else to do sitting around on my own I suppose."

Sophie swallowed the lump in her throat that had formed. "So where do you live now?"

"Southport. It's a bit dull but it has its upsides."

"Is that where you went when-"

"No."

"Where did you… I tried to-"

"Sophie," She warned.

"I just want to know where you went."

"I stayed with a friend," She answered after some time.

"Just a friend?"

Sian scowled, "What's that supposed to mean?"

Sophie shook her head, "Nothing, I didn't mean it like that." She did.

The blonde's face relaxed, "Oh. Well yeah, just a friend."

Sophie looked down at her hands then to Sian's. Hers were gripping tightly to each other, trying to keep warm. "I have a blanket at my table," She indicated to the next carriage, "If you want it."

Sian withdrew her hands from the table, "No, it's fine."

"Right." Suddenly her stomach made a loud growling noise to which Sian raised her eyebrow.

"Hungry?" She asked with a smirk.

"Just a bit."

"I have a Kit Kat if you want it?"

Sophie pondered on it then nodded, "Yeah tar."

Sian rummaged through the bag beside her and pulled out the bar, handing it over to Sophie, careful not to brush hands.

"Thanks." She took it and snapped off two of the four pieces before handing the rest to Sian who shook her head.

"It's fine."

"Just eat the Kit Kat Sian."

With a roll of her eyes she took the remaining pieces and began to nibble round the edges.

"You still do that?"

"Do what?"

"Nibble at it!"

"It makes it last longer!"

Sophie huffed, "It's not meant to last long, otherwise it wouldn't be covered in chocolate!"

Sian laughed and shook her head. "Exactly, savour the taste, especially while we're trapped on a train in the middle of nowhere."

"There are better things to do than nibble at Kit Kats while stuck in the freezing cold in the dark."

Sian shook her head, "Don't think there is, I'm afraid."

"Hmmm," Sophie shrugged, "Then you won't want me going to get more drinks from the bar then?"

Sian raised an eyebrow, "Don't let me stop you."

Sophie got up, "I won't."

As she watched the brunette walk away, Sian suddenly felt odd. She felt an odd sensation and while she could clearly tell the anger that had begun to erupt inside, both at herself and at Sophie, she knew it wasn't just anger and she couldn't bring herself to think of what else it was.

The door to the carriage opened once again and Sophie came through with a bottle of wine and two glasses.

"Wow, adventurous."

Sophie raised an eyebrow, "You have something better?"

"Actually," Sian said and got up from her seat.

"Where are you going?"

"To my bag," She nodded towards the end carriage where Sophie had made herself at home and where most of the suitcases and bags were loaded. As she walk away she momentarily stopped. What was she doing? None the less she continued and came back.

Sophie spotted the bottle, "Ha!"

Sian placed the bottle of vodka on the table and unscrewed the top. Her hand stopped for a second; she had no idea what she was doing.

**/December 18****th**** 2011/**

"Happy Birthday," Sophie mumbled against Sian's ear.

The blonde's hands slipped to the girl waist, pulling her close and smiling.

"How does it feel to be 18?"

Sian couldn't reply as Sophie found her lips. She bit the blonde's lip with a smirk and slipped her hand under her shirt, feeling the naked skin against her hand. Sian eagerly pulled Sophie's top off, kissing along her collarbone as Sophie mumbled by her ears again. "Eager..." She panted.

"It's my birthday," Sian replied between greedy kisses.

Sophie lifted Sian's top off and pushed her backward onto the bed. She laid herself on top, trailing kisses from the blonde's stomach to her mouth only to be pushed over as Sian pinned her to the bed with a smirk. Her hands began to unbutton the jeans below her and, with a few tugs and the help of kicking from the brunette, they were on the floor in mere seconds. Sian lowered herself and kissed at the inside of the girls thigh, looking up as she did so to see the brunette gasping for air as she laid her head against the pillow. Sian's hand slowly trailed closer and closer and Sophie's back arched in anticipation.

"Fucking hell Sian," She exclaimed. "Hurry up!"

**December 16****th**** 2015, 9:30**

"Fucking hell Sophie," Sian exclaimed. "Hurry up!"

"I can't unscrew it!"

Sian grabbed the bottle from the brunette's hand and shook her head in disappointment. She twisted the cap in one easy movement and grinned, proud of herself.

"Oh shut up, you're not as drunk as me!"

Sian laughed, "Fine then!" She put the bottle to her lips and winked at Sophie before downing at least three shots worth. "Oops," She mumbled, wiping away the drink from her mouth as she cringed.

Sophie bit her lip, trying to hold back a laugh. "Uh oh!"

They laughed for a while before realising that they had no idea what they were laughing at. They stopped and took deep breathes, trying to regain themselves.

Sophie wiped her face as if it would rub away the drunkenness. "Pissed on a train, I feel like a scally."

Sian scrunched her nose in amusement. "Are you a scally?"

"You know I'm not!"

"Well I don't know, you may have become one since I last saw you."

"It wasn't that long ago," Sophie frowned. "Just a year yesterday."

Sian quirked an eyebrow.

"What?"

"Odd that you remember so well."

Sophie shrugged, "How could I forget the day that my girlfriend left me?"

"You kicked me out remember?" Sian snorted. Had it not been for the alcohol, this conversation would have been much, much different.

"Huh, I wanted you to stay though."

"Didn't seem it," Sian said, taking a sip at her win.

Sophie yawned, "Never mind, I suppose we've both moved on, right?" Of course she hadn't.

"Right."

Sophie looked up and Sian smiled. She smiled back and took her glass of wine and drank the rest of it before pouring herself another. "So, go anyone in your life at the moment Miss Powers?"

Sian grinned and nodded, "Yes."

Sophie no longer felt as perky as she had done before and pushed the wine aside, drinking from the vodka instead. "Oh?"

"She's called Lily," Sian fiddled with her empty glass. "She's very nice."

Sophie bit her lip and nodded. "Thought you'd have found a boyfriend?"

Sian shrugged, "It's not about gender much is it though? If someone's nice, if someone makes me happy and I want to be with them then it could be a boy or a girl."

"How long have you been with her?" She asked, brushing aside the sentimental explanation.

"A few months now. What about you?"

Sophie sipped her wine this time and pretended to have not heard. "Hmm, what?"

"I asked if you'd been seeing anyone?"

"Ah, no. Nothing serious," Sophie replied.

"That's good. I mean, good as in, uhm, I don't know." Sian looked confused by herself and poured more wine before reaching for the vodka bottle and downing a few shots worth. She didn't know what was going on and her mind was blurring. No matter how much or how little she drank, nothing would change the fact that she felt attracted to Sophie and she cursed herself, cursed the brunette and cursed the train for the fact that there was nothing anyone could do.


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: I've sorta highlighted a change in date so be careful!**

**Hope you all had a wonderful Christmas :)**

* * *

**December 16****th**** 2015, 10:00**

"Sophie you've got to leave."

Sophie looked up and stopped giggling. "What?"

"Leave," Sian said again.

Sophie was bewildered and furrowed her eyebrows, "I thought we were having fun."

"Yeah," Sian nodded, "We were but now I'm not so can you just go?"

"Go where? It's a fucking train," Sophie snapped.

"Please Sophie."

Sophie scowled and stood up; she didn't know what had happened but she didn't much feel like sticking around any longer. As Sian watched the girl leave she looked up to the ceiling and let out a groan. Once the door to the carriage shut she slammed her hands on the table and got up, walking towards the toilets. She shut the door and turned the tap before holding her hands out and gathering some water, waiting for a moment, then splashed it into her face. She stared at herself in the mirror. She frowned at herself. She hadn't seen herself like that in months and it bothered her that it was for the exact same reason she looked this way. Her hand clenched and she felt so compelled to just smash the mirror but stopped herself.

There was a knock at the door and as she opened the door she knew she shouldn't have. Lips pressed against hers and the sound of the door locking back into place made her realise that she could do this, they were alone and no one had to know. Her hands fell to Sophie's waist and she roughly pulled the girl closer to her, wanting the contact. _I need this_. She lifted the brunette so she sat on the counter and began to tug at her shirt.

"I like that shirt," Sophie mumbled in between kisses as it landed on the floor of the messy public toilets.

"Mhmm," Sian muttered.

Sophie bit at Sian's lip and smiled but Sian didn't. She pulled away from Sophie's bite and stared into eyes that seemed so unfamiliar. "I- I can't."

She unlocked and opened the door and left. Sophie stared as the door swung back and cursed herself, _why do I have to be so stupid?_

**Journal entry: March 7****th**** 2014**

I barely see her anymore.

**December 16****th**** 2015, 11:00**

The train had begun to move once again but not without its faults: the lights still flickered and any means of food or drink had been stopped. Sian strummed her fingernails against the table lightly before attempting to warm herself up by rubbing her arms. She looked around and saw people were either sleeping or reading or talking but none seemed as bothered by the freezing weather as she was. She bit her lip and winced; her hand tentatively touched and felt it had bruised slightly. She leant back into her seat and shivered furiously. She needed warmth. Why couldn't she just go to her bag? Was she scared that she'd be jumped on by the girl and be forced to have sex in the middle of a train carriage? Was she scared that Lily would find out? Was she scared it's what she wanted? She got up and patted herself down, her jeans stained from the previous spill of wine. She opened the door and held her breath right up until the moment she reached her bag at the far end. As she rummaged through her bag she felt a pair of eyes on her and she slowly looked up and turned. She saw Sophie under a blanket staring at her, her eyes red and her cheeks flushed. Sian couldn't stand it. She couldn't. She dropped her bag and walked over, holding onto either side of Sophie's face and pulling her in to a deep kiss. After sometime, they found themselves under the blanket. Sophie tugged at Sian's shirt but she grabbed onto the girls hand and pulled it away.

"No," She whispered, "I don't want to do that."

Sophie looked down at Sian in confusion. "What?"

"Just please," Sian mumbled. She propped herself on her elbows and kissed Sophie. She didn't quite understand why Sian was being like this but she complied. Sian's hands twisted around Sophie's waist and pulled her towards her and it was then that Sophie realised that Sian was hugging her. She wasn't kissing her; she wasn't feeling around her body, she was gripping onto Sophie like she needed her and for a second it was like when they were younger and a hug could mend everything. Sophie wondered if they were too old for it to be like that now. She pulled Sian closer and didn't want to let go or move despite how uncomfortable the position was because Sian was Sian and Sian was hers and she was Sian's and that was the way it was meant to be.

**December 17****th**** 2015**

Sian's eyes fluttered open and she groaned, her hand tentatively reaching for her head. She realised that she was actually lying on the floor of the train while Sophie lay across the seats. Of course she'd be knocked off to the floor. She crawled from under the table and stood up, dusting herself off and sitting on the seats opposite Sophie. Her eyes trailed over the sleeping girl and she had to stop herself reaching over and running her hand across her cheek. She looked away quickly, looking outside to see that while the train was moving, it didn't much look like Paris. She yawned and then looked to the table where a phone lay and read 5AM, with a grumble her eyes looked from the phone and saw a small notebook. Her hands reached for it and she pulled the elastic from around it.

**Journal entry: 4****th**** November 2010**

Rosie got me this for my birthday and while I bet it cost no more than £5 it's still quite sweet. I don't want it to be a diary, that's cheesy, I just want it to be a reminder of moments that I don't want to forget. Sian's asleep and I bet she can hear me scribbling away, she always was a light sleeper.

**December 17****th**** 2015**

Sian smiled at the writing, the messy and scrawled handwriting she remembered so well of young Sophie. She always used to write like there was no tomorrow and she had to get everything down. She flicked through a few pages but not before cautiously checking that Sophie was still asleep.

**Journal entry: 1****st**** January 2011**

I don't regret it. Whether I sleep with the girl I love and want to be with shouldn't determine the rest of my life and definitely not condemn me. It shouldn't have been the way it was I know that, but I'll never regret it.

**December 17****th**** 2015**

She remembered that as the night that they both slept together for the first time. It was peculiar reading about how Sophie felt so many years back. While, from scanning through the notebook, she could see Sophie never went into much detail she still managed to remind Sian of how she herself felt and remember how Sophie looked on those days. Sian closed the notebook for a second and realised she shouldn't be doing this. While it was a nice reminder of good times, Sian knew she may read things she didn't want to read. She sat forward, wide eyed and realised she could read things she wanted to read. She opened the notebook once again and flicked through until she read the date she was looking for.

**Journal entry: December 15****th**** 2014**

Sian's gone. Was it too much to ask that she fight for me? For fucks sake, I just needed to know that she wanted to stay and that she loved me. I lost my trust in her, she's right but lie upon lie, who could blame me?

**December 17****th**** 2015**

Sian's eyes looked to the sleeping form and back to the notebook. What had happened? She flipped a few pages back and scrunched her face.

**Journal entry: December 14****th**** 2014**

It's one thing to lie to me but to lie to my family too is a step too far. She keeps pushing herself away from me and everyone that cares about her just to protect herself. How can I stay with someone who doesn't even know the first thing about being a girlfriend, even after four years? How can I be with someone whose favourite part of the day is leaving? She always ran away but I never thought she'd ever get lost.

**December 17****th**** 2015**

Her teeth gritted and her fists clenched around the notebook.

**/December 14****th**** 2014/**

"I'll be out in a second, get the car started," Sian shouted to Sophie from the other room.

"Hurry up though! Rosie said if we're late they won't be waiting for us."

Sian began to pull on her shoes, looking out the window as she did so to see the snow falling heavier. She grumbled to herself. Sophie always made her drive in the snow even though she hated it. She pulled a jumper on and then her coat before running through the apartment and out to the car.

"'Bout time," Sophie smiled.

Sian turned the ignition on before switching the window wipers on. Sophie watched as snow was pushed to either side of the window.

"Why does it have to snow so much today?"

Sian watched as the girl reached and turned the radio on. She began to drive, paying close attention to the road. "I thought you liked the snow."

"I do," Sophie mumbled, putting her hands to the heaters.

"They won't be heated up yet," Sian said.

"Mmm," Was all the girl replied.

As they pulled up to the house, Sophie rested a hand on Sian's leg. "You are alright aren't you?"

"Why wouldn't I be?"

Sophie looked at her carefully, "You just seem a little off."

She didn't reply and instead opened the door, slamming it once she was out of the car. Sophie flinched at the noise before following Sian towards the house that Rosie liked to call her 'beautiful grotto' and Sophie could never work out why.

"Here we are, at the grotto," Sophie smiled.

Sian didn't reply as she knocked on the door. Sophie's eyebrows furrowed and as she was about to say something the door swung open.

"My little lesbo's!" Rosie smiled, pulling both of them into a hug.

It didn't take long for them to be seated around a table where more of Rosie's friends sat. It was essentially to be a Christmas dinner but early so everyone could be there, Rosie was aware most of her friend went home for Christmas. Sophie liked Rosie's friends, for the most part anyway, some were too difficult to talk to unless Jennifer Aniston was the main point of the conversation.

"But I just can't believe that Jen and Brad are actually together again! It's like a Christmas miracle!"

Sophie nodded slowly, unable to hide her near-laugh face. She looked across the table at Sian but the girl was looking down at her plate, not interacting with anyone at all. She was never usually like this. She nudged the girl from under the table with her foot but received an exasperated scowl.

Sian suddenly arose from her seat and turned to Rosie. "I've got to go now."

Rosie perked up and looked upset, "Oh, why?"

"I'm meant to be going to see my mum," She offered, her eyes pleading for her to believe her.

"Oh," Rosie frowned, "Never mind, I guess I'll be seeing you and Sophie on Christmas day anyway."

"Sophie's staying," Sian corrected her, glancing at the brunette who had just begun to gather her bag from under the table. "I'll see you later," She said to Sophie before giving Rosie a hug goodbye and waving to the other guests.

She left the house quickly and sat down in the car. Her head lent against the wheel as the tears flooded. She cried until she remembered she was still outside of the house. She couldn't have driven away faster and it was only when she was back at the apartment that she stopped. She ran a hand through her hair as she began to cry again. She was meant to have everything sorted, she was meant to be the one supporting them and she had so much planned and she just wanted to be the best that she could be and Sophie needed her to be the best that she could be. She had been made redundant and slowly it was dawning upon her that she was providing nothing.


End file.
